Lazarus Rising
by cucoo4cas
Summary: A look inside Dean Winchester's head. Basically, I took the concept from Pixar's Inside Out and applied it to Dean. ]


Joy sat in the corner where he'd stayed for so long he didn't really know how much time had passed. Everything hurt too much. What was the point? Everything that happened became a job for someone else. Anger and Sadness were in control. Fear and Disgust had their moments, too. But Joy? His controls in Dean Winchester's mind sat disused and dusty. Everything hurt. Everything was painful. Sadness and Anger knew how to handle that. Fear and Disgust were able to cope and understand it. Joy wasn't built for this sort of life.

Joy remembered warm smiles from Mary and John. He remembered running in the yard as fast as Dean's little legs would carry him. He remembered laughter and happiness, the bright twinkle in little Sammy's eyes.

But then Mary died. And John stopped being a source of happiness for Joy. Hunting and fighting and saving people and struggling to get by wasn't the sort of life for laughter or happiness. The twinkle in Sam's eyes faded as he learned about pain far too soon. Running wasn't for fun or excitement, it was for survival.

Joy had less and less things to do, but he tried to keep being there for Dean.

But then Dean Winchester went to Hell.

Joy grabbed a memory of Mary playing with Dean and sat in the corner. He played the memory over and over. Mary laughed with little Dean as they jumped in a pile of leaves in their backyard. It was perfect. It was Joy's favorite memory even if it hurt Dean to think about it now. He didn't play the memory for Dean; it would hurt worse than being ripped apart by the demons around him. But Joy watched it for himself.

And that was how he spent his days. The other emotions ran the show while Joy watched Mary and Dean and grieved for what used to be.

None of the other emotions questioned it. They all knew Joy didn't really have a job anymore. They were in Hell. What role could Joy have in such a specifically joyless place?

Which was why it was so jarring when Disgust said, "Joy, you should really see this."

Joy didn't bother responding. It hurt. Everything hurt. He played the memory again.

"Joy, hey, can you hear us?" Fear asked.

Joy held the memory tighter. It was the only Heaven he would ever know. He clung to the warmth in Mary's smile.

"Joy. Look," Anger said.

"You guys know how to fake me just fine, so I'll just sit here, thanks," Joy said, replaying the memory of Mary again.

"Joy," Sadness said, pulling on Joy's arm, gently, "C'mon, look."

Joy sighed and followed his fellow emotions to the control panel. Dean was standing in what looked like an old barn. He was with Bobby. Joy liked Bobby. He reminded him of John before everything went to hell.

Hell. They weren't in Hell anymore.

"We aren't in Hell? Dean isn't torturing people? What happened?" Joy asked.

Disgust sighed and said, "Dean crawled his way out of his grave yesterday morning. It was so dirty and cramped, it was worse than when Sam started eating salads by choice." He shuddered visibly.

While the barn was nicer than Hell, Joy definitely preferred watching the memory of Mary to whatever was going on in real time. "Was there something you wanted to show me?" he asked.

Sadness said softly, "I wanted you to see Bobby. We got pulled out of Hell by something, and we gave Dean the idea to summon it. I know that you like Bobby, and I wanted you to be happy before whatever got us out of Hell comes and kills us."

Joy did something that he hadn't done for a while. He smiled. "You gave Dean an idea that could get us all killed again, but you wanted me to be happy first? That's really sweet of you, Sadness."

Sadness gave Joy a small, sad smile when a loud crack of thunder made all of the emotions look at the screen. A strong wind rustled the roofing on the barn roughly as lightning crackled through the night air.

"What is that?" Disgust asked.

"I don't care," Anger said, "Dean's armed to the teeth. Whatever it is, we'll kill it."

The barn doors blew open to reveal a dark haired man in a trench coat.

Anger slammed a button on the control panel. Dean and Bobby shot round after round into the stranger's chest. But it did no damage.

"Why aren't the bullets working!?" Fear shrieked, "What's happening?! Why isn't he dead?! He could hurt Sam!"

Sadness put a hand on Fear's shoulder and said, "Don't worry. He couldn't hurt Sam more than we already have."

Anger and Fear shouted at the same time, "That's not helping!"

Fear pressed a button and Dean asked, "Who are you?"

The dark haired man said calmly, "I am the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition."

"Do you see his eyes?" Joy asked quietly.

Anger pulled a lever roughly. Dean said, "Yeah, thanks for that." He quickly stabbed the stranger in the chest with Ruby's demon killing knife.

But nothing happened.

"I've never seen eyes like that," Joy said, "They're so blue." Sadness looked at Joy out of the corner of his eye.

Joy didn't know what to do. He knew this person was not human if he could survive all of that, but he also knew that this guy was gorgeous.

The guy pulled Ruby's knife from his chest and dropped it to the floor before grabbing the crowbar that Bobby aimed at his head. He touched Bobby's forehead, making Bobby crumple to the ground.

Joy shut his eyes. Not Bobby. Cute guy couldn't have killed Bobby. No. This was why Joy liked watching the memory. There was so much pain. Too much pain. He almost walked back to the memory of Mary when the stranger said, "We need to talk, Dean. Alone."

Sadness muttered something about always being alone.

Fear rocked back and forth, saying, "Don't talk about Sam, don't talk about Sam, don't mention Sam. Can't put Sam in danger. Castiel is dangerous. He can't know about Sam. Don't talk about Sam."

Disgust rolled his eyes.

Anger bristled and mumbled angrily about Bobby while hitting buttons.

But Joy just stood there. He was frozen. The thought of being alone with this man in the trench coat with the big, bright blue eyes and the tousled black hair made Joy feel happy. He felt excited for the first time in a long time. He was curious about what the guy could want to talk about, but he was mostly just excited.

It didn't matter, though. Anger had control. The hothead emotion pushed several buttons and levers. Dean knelt beside Bobby and checked his pulse.

"This Castiel guy is damn lucky Bobby's breathing," Anger snapped.

Castiel said, "You're friend's alive."

"Who are you?" Dean snapped.

"Castiel," the guy answered.

"Yeah, I figured that much, I mean what are you?" Dean asked, still fueled by Anger.

Joy nudged Sadness and asked, "When did we learn Castiel's name?"

Fear shouted, "At the seance! At the psychic's house, Pamela got Castiel's name before he burned out her freaking eyes! It was messed up, man!"

"I'm an angel of the lord," Castiel said.

"What?" Anger said, "That's preposterous! Angels don't exist." The other emotions quickly agreed, but Joy stared at Castiel with wide eyes. An angel. A memory pricked at the back of Joy's head. Something about angels.

Anger and Fear quickly went on the defensive, but Joy walked away from the control panel. He knew there was something he was forgetting. He got lost in thought, trying to remember whatever it was, until he heard Dean said, "And what visage are you in now, holy tax accountant?"

Joy returned to the control panel and said, "Disgust! What the hell?"

"Do you see this tacky suit? It's not even cut for him. Someone had to say it," Disgust said.

Joy sighed. He couldn't think about Castiel's suit when all he could focus on was the angel's lips.

"This is...a vessel," Castiel said.

"Oh, nice," Disgust said, pressing a button, "That's just great. A vessel."

"You're possessing some poor bastard?" Dean asked.

"He's a devout man, he actually prayed for this," Castiel said.

Anger said shortly, "Enough of this bullshit."

"Look, pal, I'm not buying what you're selling, so who are you really?" Dean asked.

Castiel looked confused. "I told you," he said.

Sadness turned a knob slowly and Dean said, "Right. And why would an angel rescue me from Hell?"

"Good things do happen, Dean," Castiel said.

Sadness looked at Joy, but Joy shook his head. He liked this Castiel guy, and the man was beautiful, but this was not a conversation that Joy ever wanted to have any part of.

Sadness pressed a button and Dean said, "Not in my experience."

"What's the matter?" Castiel asked. A bright light filtered into Dean's mind through the screen, touching the control panel.

Before any of the emotions could do anything, Castiel said, "You don't think you deserve to be saved."

Sadness looked at the screen with wide eyes.

"How did he do that?" Anger snapped.

Sadness glanced at Joy, but Joy wouldn't meet the other emotion's gaze. Joy wished he could tell Castiel he was wrong. He wished Sadness wasn't so sad, that Anger wasn't so mad. He wished Fear would worry about Dean as much as he worried about Sam. He wished Disgust would be grossed out by hunting rather than disgusted with himself. Joy just wished he could've made Dean happy.

"Why'd you do it?" Dean asked.

"Because God commanded it," Castiel said, "Because we have work for you."

"God?!" Fear screamed.

Castiel disappeared in a rush of wind and wings.

"God!?" Fear shouted again.

Sadness said, "I'm sure we won't be good enough for Heaven."

Anger snapped, "God can go fuck Himself! If there was a God, He would've done something about all this shit by now."

Disgust looked at the space that Castiel had just been in and said, "I think I'm gonna be sick."

The emotions collectively freaked out while Joy slowly walked to the control panel. He ran his hand over the controls he'd long abandoned. Parts of Joy's disused controls flickered with light. Then, he remembered. He remembered what he had forgotten, what Dean had forgotten. Joy pressed several buttons, recalling a memory from long term memory.

The other emotions fell silent as the memory played in Dean's mind.

It was Mary. Mary bent over Dean and kissed him on the forehead. "It'll be okay, sweetheart," she said, "Angels are watching over you."

Joy expected the other emotions to continue losing their minds, but instead, they all stared at him.

"What does that mean?" Sadness asked.

Joy knew he didn't have the answers. He knew Dean would be in for a crazy adventure. He knew he wanted to see Castiel again. But he also knew what his fellow emotions needed to hear. Joy blew the dust from his controls and took his seat next to Sadness.

"It means," Joy said, looking towards the screen, "We've got work to do."


End file.
